4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
