How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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