i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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