sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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