The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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