just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
