I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
