Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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