I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
