he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
