i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
