We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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