the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You left your phone here
Wait...
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