One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
