After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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