I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
