I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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