so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
