Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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