so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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