I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
