He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
