I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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