I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it was like eating out sand paper
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
