i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
