And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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