The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
