Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a hot homeless man
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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