I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
