Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
