plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
