ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
