True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
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Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize