You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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