I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
