There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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