how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
