I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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