omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have tasted many bathrooms
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize