At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
