where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
