I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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