god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
no, he came in my armpit
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
