There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
