I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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