Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
soo... how was my night?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
