I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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