mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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