when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
