your thong is hanging out like whoa
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
