He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
