Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
