trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
